Survivor Cast Revealed: Let's get ready to rumble

According to almost everyone I know, the answer to the question, "What's the best reality show," is "Amazing Race." But fuck that noise. For me, it is all about Survivor. It's physical competition, mental agility and a mensa puzzle of social dynamics all rolled into the nightmare of being stranded on a desert island. This week the cast of the seventeenth season was revealed, and it looks like another stellar season of fuck-tards who think they can win based on the most ridiculous reasons.

I have an idea. Before you sign yourself up to 39 days of heat exhaustion, starvation and the overwhelming desire to end other human life why not watch an episode or two first. Get an idea of what's going on before jumping into a situation where the possibility of looking like a huge idiot in front of your ENTIRE COUNTRY is 100 to 1.

I never know who's going to win, so you'll have to watch to see who wins. In the meantime, here are a few people who I've decided should be face-punched pronto...

JESSICA ''SUGAR'' KIPER

AGE: 29

OCCUPATION: Pin-up/actress (Gilmore Girls)

HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, NY

SUGAR SAYS: ''I want to make everyone fall in love with me. And I want to be friends with everybody. That's all I got: my personality. I'm not strong.''

I SAY: Can you really list Gilmore Girls as a credit? She had maybe 4 lines, made out with Milo Ventimiglia and chewed a lot of gum. And occupation: 'pin-up', in what crack hole is she "pinned up?" I didn't know you could just make up your occupation. If that's the case I want to be a Tequila connoisseur or a Firemen Squeezer.

KEN HOANG

AGE: 22

OCCUPATION: Pro video gamer
HOMETOWN: Westminster, CA

KEN SAYS: ''Gaming will help me because I do well under pressure. I always come through. I rarely choke. I'm the underdog, I think all the fans will root for me to win. I would root for myself if I was watching TV.''

I SAY: I'll bet you $5 Ken chokes on my fist. So cocky for 56lbs! Ken should be smart enough to know that trick thumbs will be of no use standing on a pole at high noon for hours on end after eating rice for 3 weeks.

KELLY CZARNECKI

AGE: 22

OCCUPATION: Retail sales

HOMETOWN: Buffalo Grove, IL

KELLY SAYS: ''I'm funny, and I'm fun, and I'm energetic, and I bring a positive vibe to the group — like a burst of sunshine.''

JEFF PROBST SAYS: ''The way I would describe Kelly is that she is part of the Text Message Generation. And she speaks that way, she'll say 'OMG!' for 'Oh my God!' That's Kelly. And just as a grown man looking at her I could say, 'That's charming, she's young and has her whole life ahead of her.' But as a tribemate I'd probably say, 'If she says OMG, I'll probably say GTFOH.'''

I SAY: Amen, Probst! AMEN!

PALOMA SOTO-CASTILLO

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: Student

HOMETOWN: Downey, CA (born in Chile)

PALOMA SAYS: ''I think I deserve it. I've worked really hard in my life. I'm very competitive. I'm stubborn. I'm compassionate, and passionate.''

I SAY: "I think I deserve it." Here we go with one of the two douchebags pulling the entitlement card.
Here's a hint: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast...those are the only ways to win this game. Not what your bank balance is. Not what terminal illness your pet was diagnosed with last month. Nobody gives a crap about your hard luck past and the hurdles in your life path you faced to get on a reality TV show. Everyone is looking out for themselves, get it? That's the point of the game, so you'll just have suck it up, princess.

DANNY ''G.C.'' BROWN

AGE: 26

OCCUPATION: Maintenance supervisor

HOMETOWN: Portland, OR

G.C. SAYS: ''I will win Survivor because I need this million dollars more than anyone out here.''

I SAY: Here's the second douchebag. Who really needs a million dollars, anyway? I can see needing a few bucks for bus fare or a meal, but one million dollars? For what? Gambling debt? Back Taxes? A shirt, perhaps? Either way, you deserve a million dollars as much as I deserve to watch your dumb ass getting kicked off after all the oldies are gone. Speaking of...

GILLIAN LARSON

AGE: 61

OCCUPATION: Retired Nurse

HOMETOWN: Temecula, CA (raised in South Africa)

GILLIAN SAYS: ''I love doing all sorts of crazy things. It doesn't matter what age you are. As long as you can physically do it, do it! And hopefully they'll look at me as a mom and you know, who would like to kick their mother out of the game?''

I SAY: If there's one thing I know for a fact after 16 seasons of watching this show is : IT TOTALLY MATTERS HOW OLD YOU ARE!
Survivor contestants over the age of 40 are lucky to make it the first 5 weeks. And if they aren't sent packing by day 10, tribemates will tie you to a behemoth and drag your lame crippled body through an obstacle course to rid you of your last semblance of dignity. Good luck getting past your tribe's first elimination.
And "...who would kick their mother off the island"? I WOULD!!! Who wants their mom around while stranded on a desert island full of backstabbing, fame-hungry morons. Not me! This is a game, if someone can't help me get ahead then they are completely useless and need to go. If I've got to worry about my "mom's" feelings, I should have just stayed home!

MICHELLE CHASE

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: Music production assistant

HOMETOWN: Los Angeles, CA

MICHELLE SAYS: ''I will win Survivor because I'm the bombshell baller. I'm bodacious, and I outwit, and outlast, and outplay. And I need a million dollars really bad.''

I SAY: "Bodacious Bombshell Baller?" Really? What you put in your mouth is none of our concern...and what in the world would you do with a million dollars? I didn't realize gonorrhea treatments were so expensive. But hey, who am I to deny someone relief from a burning urinary tract?

So there it is. It's the first bit of excitement I've felt provided by the coming Fall season. Find pics of all the contestants here and get ready for another great season of the BEST REALITY SHOW on TV!