The oldest gag in the book

I had my family over for dinner at my place the other day. Uncles, aunts, cousins and my granny. After dinner I asked for everyone's attention to say thanks for coming over, but as a joke I opened with:

Thank you all for coming. I just want to tell you that I'm three months pregnant. ha ha ha.

Everyone laughs...except my granny. Fallen jowls on a pearly green face. I continue filling in the dramatic story about keeping it and calling it Ralph regardless of its gender, completely unaware that my granny is decidedly not in on the joke.

A few minutes later I begin to notice the stunned horror paralyzing my grandmother and I quickly put her out of her misery!

"Just kidding" : the two most comforting words in the world.

Survivor Cast Revealed: Let's get ready to rumble

According to almost everyone I know, the answer to the question, "What's the best reality show," is "Amazing Race." But fuck that noise. For me, it is all about Survivor. It's physical competition, mental agility and a mensa puzzle of social dynamics all rolled into the nightmare of being stranded on a desert island. This week the cast of the seventeenth season was revealed, and it looks like another stellar season of fuck-tards who think they can win based on the most ridiculous reasons.

I have an idea. Before you sign yourself up to 39 days of heat exhaustion, starvation and the overwhelming desire to end other human life why not watch an episode or two first. Get an idea of what's going on before jumping into a situation where the possibility of looking like a huge idiot in front of your ENTIRE COUNTRY is 100 to 1.

I never know who's going to win, so you'll have to watch to see who wins. In the meantime, here are a few people who I've decided should be face-punched pronto...

JESSICA ''SUGAR'' KIPER

AGE: 29

OCCUPATION: Pin-up/actress (Gilmore Girls)

HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, NY

SUGAR SAYS: ''I want to make everyone fall in love with me. And I want to be friends with everybody. That's all I got: my personality. I'm not strong.''

I SAY: Can you really list Gilmore Girls as a credit? She had maybe 4 lines, made out with Milo Ventimiglia and chewed a lot of gum. And occupation: 'pin-up', in what crack hole is she "pinned up?" I didn't know you could just make up your occupation. If that's the case I want to be a Tequila connoisseur or a Firemen Squeezer.

KEN HOANG

AGE: 22

OCCUPATION: Pro video gamer
HOMETOWN: Westminster, CA

KEN SAYS: ''Gaming will help me because I do well under pressure. I always come through. I rarely choke. I'm the underdog, I think all the fans will root for me to win. I would root for myself if I was watching TV.''

I SAY: I'll bet you $5 Ken chokes on my fist. So cocky for 56lbs! Ken should be smart enough to know that trick thumbs will be of no use standing on a pole at high noon for hours on end after eating rice for 3 weeks.

KELLY CZARNECKI

AGE: 22

OCCUPATION: Retail sales

HOMETOWN: Buffalo Grove, IL

KELLY SAYS: ''I'm funny, and I'm fun, and I'm energetic, and I bring a positive vibe to the group — like a burst of sunshine.''

JEFF PROBST SAYS: ''The way I would describe Kelly is that she is part of the Text Message Generation. And she speaks that way, she'll say 'OMG!' for 'Oh my God!' That's Kelly. And just as a grown man looking at her I could say, 'That's charming, she's young and has her whole life ahead of her.' But as a tribemate I'd probably say, 'If she says OMG, I'll probably say GTFOH.'''

I SAY: Amen, Probst! AMEN!

PALOMA SOTO-CASTILLO

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: Student

HOMETOWN: Downey, CA (born in Chile)

PALOMA SAYS: ''I think I deserve it. I've worked really hard in my life. I'm very competitive. I'm stubborn. I'm compassionate, and passionate.''

I SAY: "I think I deserve it." Here we go with one of the two douchebags pulling the entitlement card.
Here's a hint: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast...those are the only ways to win this game. Not what your bank balance is. Not what terminal illness your pet was diagnosed with last month. Nobody gives a crap about your hard luck past and the hurdles in your life path you faced to get on a reality TV show. Everyone is looking out for themselves, get it? That's the point of the game, so you'll just have suck it up, princess.

DANNY ''G.C.'' BROWN

AGE: 26

OCCUPATION: Maintenance supervisor

HOMETOWN: Portland, OR

G.C. SAYS: ''I will win Survivor because I need this million dollars more than anyone out here.''

I SAY: Here's the second douchebag. Who really needs a million dollars, anyway? I can see needing a few bucks for bus fare or a meal, but one million dollars? For what? Gambling debt? Back Taxes? A shirt, perhaps? Either way, you deserve a million dollars as much as I deserve to watch your dumb ass getting kicked off after all the oldies are gone. Speaking of...

GILLIAN LARSON

AGE: 61

OCCUPATION: Retired Nurse

HOMETOWN: Temecula, CA (raised in South Africa)

GILLIAN SAYS: ''I love doing all sorts of crazy things. It doesn't matter what age you are. As long as you can physically do it, do it! And hopefully they'll look at me as a mom and you know, who would like to kick their mother out of the game?''

I SAY: If there's one thing I know for a fact after 16 seasons of watching this show is : IT TOTALLY MATTERS HOW OLD YOU ARE!
Survivor contestants over the age of 40 are lucky to make it the first 5 weeks. And if they aren't sent packing by day 10, tribemates will tie you to a behemoth and drag your lame crippled body through an obstacle course to rid you of your last semblance of dignity. Good luck getting past your tribe's first elimination.
And "...who would kick their mother off the island"? I WOULD!!! Who wants their mom around while stranded on a desert island full of backstabbing, fame-hungry morons. Not me! This is a game, if someone can't help me get ahead then they are completely useless and need to go. If I've got to worry about my "mom's" feelings, I should have just stayed home!

MICHELLE CHASE

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: Music production assistant

HOMETOWN: Los Angeles, CA

MICHELLE SAYS: ''I will win Survivor because I'm the bombshell baller. I'm bodacious, and I outwit, and outlast, and outplay. And I need a million dollars really bad.''

I SAY: "Bodacious Bombshell Baller?" Really? What you put in your mouth is none of our concern...and what in the world would you do with a million dollars? I didn't realize gonorrhea treatments were so expensive. But hey, who am I to deny someone relief from a burning urinary tract?

So there it is. It's the first bit of excitement I've felt provided by the coming Fall season. Find pics of all the contestants here and get ready for another great season of the BEST REALITY SHOW on TV!

Retail therapy

Some women buy shoes or make-up or clothes. When i need to feel better, I buy lots and lots of DVDs. They don't have to be good. They just had to have either made me

1. re-watch the ending
2. cry
3. be something that aired on 'Superchannel' from 1984 to 1992.
4. something no one has seen, Ebert-approved, that I picked up at Blockbuster on a whim and laden with such low expectations entertained.

Here are the DVD's I bought today:

5. Shakespeare in Love [2,1]. I'm surprised I hadn't bought this earlier. Gwyneth in her prime, the introduction of hotter 'other' Fiennes brother and a real-life on-set romance?

4. The Lover. [4,1] I think the voice of narrator, Jeanne could make a VCR instruction manual hot.

3. Home for the Holidays. [4] Holly Hunter is so neurotic in this movie, but there's a old lady fart joke that sets me to giggles every time.



2. Labyrinth: Anniversary Edition [3]. I could watch this and Legend over and over when I was a kid, and I did. Plus a young Jennifer Connelly and crazy puppet creatures navigating their way through time and space were spellbinding. It was my first musical....sigh, good times.



1. The Break-up [1, 2, 4]. I can hear you groaning. Definite low expectations helped make this enjoyable for me. I also liked the ending and the naked through the living room was lame and cute.


I feel much better already.

too old to screw with my sleep cycle

Saturday night I hosted a party at my house. People were invited. I even liked some of them. And at 5:30am, when there were people still sitting across from the fire pit in my back yard, i said to myself, "Why aren't I tired?"

I am too old to be "partying" like a rock star til the wee hours of the morning. But I wasn't sleepy. I was still telling stories about myself and cutting others off mid-sentence. At one point I announced, "I could totally drive a car right now, people!" And I could. There was bright sky above when the last two people crawled into the spare bedroom and we all went to sleep.

What I had wasn't sleep. It was a nap. I got up at 8:30am took down all the party decorations, washed the dishes, put the garbage out, cleaned and put away the empties and scrubbed the scuff marks off the floor. Still, no sign of weariness or fatigue.

I met some friends for brunch and kept up with the conversation without even succumbing to a slow blink. We walked back to my apartment and made plans to see a movie that afternoon. Then at 30 hours of awake time minus a 2-hour nap, I sat down on my couch for a few minutes. and fell into a coma.

It seemed so strange and exhilarating to be awake and alert for so long. I hear about people going out all night and coming home when those losers asleep at 10pm every night are heading to work. It is now painfully clear that I am one of those losers caught in a brief instant of drug-like symptoms of youth; and crashed HARD.

I got up after 13 hours of sleep and still went to work puffy-eyed, sluggish and looking 20 years older. "Yikes!", was the greeting I got when I walked into the office this morning. Someone even bought me a coffee without me asking. It was mostly likely the semi-conscious grunting and drooling oozing from my work space.

This is going to be one long bastard of a week.

To a couple people who need a big thank you. [with update]

Today was alright, until about 6:30pm...and then all hell broke loose. Every day we decide what we want to do with our valuable time. And we set aside time to do the things we love the most. Most of us are selfish with our time; that just the way it goes. Our time is valuable and we want to spend it as wisely as we can. So when our valuable time goes unappreciated; when people, who enjoy the fruits of your labour, turn around and spit in your face, it's a bit of downer.

I've organized two softball teams for the last 3 years and it's been a drama fest from day 1, but it has had it's memorable moments. I knew I could step away when I someone came aboard that had the patience to organize the team. I felt a sincere obligation not to let it all go to waste.

Last year, I decided that I would let someone else take the reins and he thankfully took over organizing a true team of misfits. Tonight it was all thrown back in his face in a supremely ugly way by those for whom he had stepped forward to help. After a minor miscommunication, they dismantled weeks of work in one ignorant power play. At the end of the evening, they got what they wanted and we worked to figure out a way to make everyone happy. But at the expense of pissing off and mistreating someone who didn't deserve it.

Next Saturday, after we've played our last game, we will get together one last time to celebrate the season. Despite all the drama of the last few months. I've been asked to speak for the group and present Paul and Chris with some tokens of our appreciation. This is what I'm gonna say:

"As tonight is officially the last night of the 2008 season, I'd like to say
what a personal pleasure it was to be a player and only a player this year. The
only way I would have stepped down as manager and coach was if I knew there
would be someone willing and able to handle this oh-so-unique group of
personalities, my own included. I can say that there are few people that I would
trust to hand these teams over to, and Paul and Chris are at the top of my list.

An average week in the life of the Decimator manager includes many
things. It includes figuring out the weekly lineups, making sure everyone knows
where the game is, where the practice is, filling the missing pieces when people
cancel last minute, representing the team on the field and handling all the
dust-ups. This one person is all things to us players: our beer caddy, equipment
manager, fundraising director, offensive and defensive specialist, and
therapist.

There aren't enough ways for us to thank you for standing up
when many wouldn't and couldn't have taken this on. Your team would like to say
thank you for being the adult that allows us to act like children and just
'play' for 5 hours each and every week from April to August. Paul, thank you for
making it so easy to give up something I really loved to do over the last few
years.

And I think I speak for everyone here when I say thank you for
taking some time out of your time out of your life, and Chris' to get us all
together to play some ball. We've gotten a little something for you with which
to enjoy the last few weeks of summer."

I sincerely hope Paul and Chris are happy with what we've gotten them. And I hope the rest of those fuckers lie awake at night feeling guilty about being such huge, ungrateful douchebags.

UPDATE: I would just like to add that I wrote the above sitting at home by myself while drinking a lot of tequila with Joy Luck Club playing in the background. I'll have to edit the above as it doesn't nearly meet the smart ass quota of my personal speeches and/or public appearances.

Ausiello TV

I've found my new favorite show. It's Ausiello TV. I'd embed the first episode here, but I can only copy the link. How boring.

Check out this first. very funny.

This is the latest episode featuring a cameo by Keri Russell and major scoop on Supernatural...and this is just for me.