2008 Emmy Awards: "Bleep, Blorp. You are not Welcome..."

I love reality television and I love reality hosts, but clearly the best and most important part of reality television is the editing department. Without the help of cutaways and musical foreshadowing, reality tv would probably end up looking a lot like the opening skit of last night's Emmy Awards: long, boring and soooo not funny.

After Oprah opened the show, the five nominees for Outstanding Reality or Competition Show Host took to the stage. All clad in suits (Heidi too), Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest, Howie Mandel and Jeff Probst stood there looking out at the thousands of people in the Nokia Theatre ready for their big number.

Just one problem. They didn't plan one.

They apparently tossed around several ideas but since they couldn't all agree on one idea, they talked incessantly for 10 minutes about not having any opening. Tom and Heidi stood awkwardly silent (feining disdain?) while Howie sucked all the energy and good-will out of the room. Jeff made flailing gestures in an effort to shut him up, but no deal. After an eternity in hell, Howie, Jeff and Ryan left the stage. There was a moment when you thought Tom and Heidi might be able to save this...especially when they invited William Shatner to the stage. But all they did was rip off Heidi's suit to reveal a sexy black sequined number and unabashed lack of comedic talent. Later, Tom would resort to dropping Heidi on her ass. But apparently you require talent for that too as her bony body unceremoniously bounced on the stage. The camera stayed on her long enough for her to smile, get out her last line and then mouth "OUCH!"

Memo to the host(s): This is the Emmy's; not Tila Tequila on the Sunset Strip! When you been looked down on as scripted television's poor, retarded cousin, the last thing you should do is show up with NOTHING FUNNY TO SAY!

Once they left the stage it became a free-for-all, as in how many times could the hosts be insulted on stage. Jeremy Piven took a shot at them while accepting the first award of the night for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Entourage. Then Neil Patrick Harris called out Howie Mandel for prattling away the evening and getting their bit cut.

The evening wasn't a total loss. Tina Fey and/or 30 Rock walked away with a wagon-full of awards and she (and Amy Poehler) was part of my favorite moment:



The Josh Groban musical interlude was entertaining.



And I'll leave you with a synopsis clip from EW.com that pretty much summed up the evening.

Cleanse This!

Today I started a colon cleanse. It's been pretty simple, there's a well laid-out meal plan and lots of different things to eat. It mainly cuts out preservatives, sugar, and dairy. It's been going relatively well, lunch prepared and packed, but I've already managed to forget the cleanse regimen a couple times.

The first time was around 11:15am (4 hours and 15 mins cleanse-time) when a co-worker brought around bite-size chocolate covered ice cream treats. I stuck my pudgy little fingers into the box, pulled out a couple and popped them into my mouth. Two chews and then panic set in as I remembered the reason I voluntarily ingested a bowl of cardboard...er...oatmeal this morning. I jumped up, raced to the kitchen and spit the two delicious morsels of heaven across the room into the garbage. I even rinsed my mouth out with water.

Two hours later, someone brought in big, fat chocolate chip cookies while I was eating my lunch of steamed fish and wild rice. I got up and leaned across the table with my aforementioned chubby digits reaching expectantly for the prize only to once again remember staying up until one in the morning to prepare my de-toxifying meals for the next day. Feeling the sting of disappointment, I yanked my hand back and sighed, "Oh, i can't have those."

This is how dedicated I am to a bright, shiny butthole.